A Mechitza for My Car
A
Mechitza for My Car
By Rabbi Perry Tirschwell
In my high school yearbook’s “Last
Will and Testament”, my class bequeathed to me a mechitza for my car. It
reflected my classmates’ perception that 1) I was one of the most intensely-observant
students in our class, and 2) The close relationships I had with a number of girls
in our co-ed school (and perhaps the contradiction between numbers 1 & 2).
I understand where the yearbook
editors were were coming from. I spent the previous summer learning full time
at Morasha Kollel. My classmates ran to Springsteen concerts, I ran to
Mordechai Ben David. I spent each Shabbos at an inspiring NCSY Shabbaton and
drove every Motzei Shabbos to learn with one of my Kollel counselors. I questioned
why our 12th grade rebbe let a student interrupt shiur with
impromptu birthday parties.
When I think about how I viewed
the world as a teenager, Billy Joel’s song, “Shades of Grey” comes to mind. In
its first verse he says;
Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth
No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth…
Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
Black and white is how it should be
But shades of grey are the colors I see
“If a man is not a Democrat by the time he is
20, he has no heart. If he is not a Republican by the time he is 40, he has no
brain.” This quote has been adjusted to reflect the issues of the times since
it first appeared in mid-nineteenth century France. At certain stages in life,
we naturally have particular worldviews. As we age, life experience gives us
different perspectives.
Adults know that few things are
black and white. We understand why health care, end of life decisions,
abortion, immigration reform, and separation of church and state are such
highly debated issues. When politicians, friends or rabbis talk in stark black
and white terms about these or many other topics, it doesn’t ring true to a
balanced adult.
A passionately religiously
motivated Modern Orthodox teenager often perceives the Charedi world as “emes”
because of the black and white image it projects, and our world as “sheker”
because of all of its shades of grey and compromises. We need to encourage this
religious passion, but we also need to explain that there are other
Torah-related factors to consider.
The reason that some students
“flip out” in post high school yeshivot in Israel is because, once removed from
the competing concerns of their milieu, these teenagers feel that they have
found true religion. At that stage in their lives, there is no need to balance
Torah study and secular studies (or the need to make a living). The compromises
one needs to make for shalom bayit when 5,000 miles away from family are few
and far between.
Many (if not most) teenagers
need to go through a period of questioning what their parents and teachers have
taught them. As the Rambam writes in Hilchot Teshuva, a person who is too far
to one side of a continuum should veer towards to opposite extreme, so that
he/she can eventually end up at the derech hamemutza.
With age, we learn that every chumra
is itself a kula in another area. We learn that the Yeshivish and Chassidish
worlds also have challenges in raising their children. We learn that life is
full of dilemnas with imperfect solutions.
What a young passionate Modern
Orthodox teenage doesn’t understand is that, if the Charedi world once upon a
time was able to shelter its youth, it is almost impossible to do so anymore,
as there is no religious “cone of silence” in the age of the internet.
The truth is that long before
smartphones, the most famous rebels (maskilim) were former talmidim of
Europe’s greatest yeshivot. The same was certainly true of America’s “black
hat” yeshivot. During my years in Florida, I met clearly non-observant octogenarians
in the store who, when they saw my kippah, told me that they had learned in a
well-respected yeshiva in their youth.
I agree with my friend Rabbi Efrem Goldberg’s response to this young man’s blog post that we all have to do
a cheshbon hanefesh about what subliminal messages we send about our values to our
children and grandchildren. We live in a country and age in which there are few
barriers for observant Jews participation in the general society. Therefore, we
must “fact-check” ourselves from time to time to make sure that our values are
in consonance with Torah, and not just ideas we picked up from the pervasive
general culture.
If our children perceive us to
be less than sincere, they will search out the truth in other venues. However, teenagers
by nature think they have a corner on the truth and view adults as
“hypocritical”, so it’s a challenge that we all face.
When I read Eitan Gross’ well
written and thoroughly sincere blog post, I was reminded of a teenager I once
knew. I’d love to check back with Eitan in 25 years.
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